1. |
The first heart sound
00:12
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2. |
Haircut in December
03:35
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We made a fire, pulled up our chairs
the sky was milk-white clouds and dread
You said, the problem is
we never say the things we know
Scissor snip, hair on snow
Little piles of broken bones
All my wisdom, all my grace
Displaced onto you
Another year, another set of mistakes
a deer-shaped imprint when I fall
I came to see your name
as four black weights tied round and round
Scissor snip, hair on snow
Little piles of broken bones
All my humor, all my fear
Bound up in me
Ten years later I saw you again
We filled with wine and your famous friends
I cried for a minute, you scoffed
then came so fast I had to laugh
Caricature of a man
So thank you
for making it so easy to say good-bye
I made a fire, gathered all my things
the ones you gave or touched or shared
Each one went in the flames
A pyre-shaped song built to the sky
Scissor snip, hair on snow
Little piles of broken bones
All my yearning, all my breath
Vast, mine, and free
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3. |
Cantilever
05:54
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I saw all of the sky that day
I saw you
Green grass greener than ever before
Summer air cleaner through the open door
Even breathing now feels new
Breathing for you
5 years, 260 weeks, almost 2,000 days
The little door at the back of my heart
I thought would never open again
creaked, cracked and there was the sun
where it had always been
I changed almost all the way down
One word split me in two
Sometimes the ground reaches up before you fall
Sometimes the sun shines all the brightness you couldn’t recall
Somewhere, something might hear your call
You don’t have to hold it all
5 years, 260 weeks, almost 2,000 days
The little door at the back of my heart
I thought would never open again
creaked, cracked and there was the sun
where it had always been
Now it’s 5 years since that phone call
the same time I waited for you
Little poppyseed turned bright beating star
Star
But every night I still check for your warm breath
against my palm
The little door at the back of my heart
I thought would never open again
creaked, cracked and there was the sun
where it had always been
I saw all of the sky that day
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4. |
Before Me
04:26
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If you’re going there, take me with you
If you’re gonna stay, please let me stay, too
If you’re going there, I hope you get there
But I hope you get home before me
Before me, turn my pillow to the cool side
Before me, leave the door unlocked
Before me, turn the lights out
but keep one candle burning
Yes, I hope you get home before me
If you’re going there, take me with you
If you’re gonna stay, please let me stay, too
If you’re going there, I hope you get there
But I hope you get home before me
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5. |
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If you lived next door
I would dump out a new bag of sugar
so I could ask you for a cup
I would empty my entire kitchen
so I could come borrow an egg
I would tear the boards off of my front porch
so I could sit and watch you fix it
I can’t eat your love but it feeds me
It tastes like water, like nothing you can name
It moves when I stretch and hums behind my ears
The sweetest secret living in my skin
The sweetest secret living in my skin
I used to think that I should
listen for the footsteps coming down the hall
As if I could prepare for love if I knew exactly when it would come
But even if you hear that pitter pat tat tat
there’s no way to brace yourself in the middle of the fall
I can’t eat your love but it feeds me
It tastes like water, like nothing you can name
It moves when I stretch and hums behind my ears
The sweetest secret living in my skin
The sweetest secret living in my skin
I want to break this night in half so no one can find it
but only if you are next to me
I’ll hide the night where no one will ever think to look
Inside me, in pieces, and I will never give it away
If you lived next door
I would pour the sugar you gave me in my gas tank
so I couldn’t drive away
So we could walk together, slowly
Listen to the crows overhead
Smell the life growing and dying all around
Watch the river cut itself
through everything that thought itself strong
I can’t eat your love but it feeds me
It tastes like water, like nothing you can name
It moves when I stretch and hums behind my ears
The sweetest secret living in my skin
The sweetest secret living in my skin
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6. |
01/01 (with Ilan Isakov)
03:34
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The first new morning
bright as an egg
Waking stunned not to find myself in your arms
Where else could I be?
Where else could I be?
I feel the earth shift and shrug
under her shawl of snow
She knows what it is to burn deep
She knows how that heat is moving
transforming everything
even what the eye cannot see
She offers me her patience
like a drink, like a balm
She smiles so slow and sweet
This is only the first new morning, she says
You have a lifetime of mornings
Mornings and evenings and running, laughing
Hours and days in hot sheets
Crying, crying out
Broken
Broken open
Blow me open
Shine me like the ocean
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7. |
Sky Went Dark
04:44
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Sky went dark
All the trees
shook off all their leaves
Crows careened
and their echoes scraped
the space where the light had been
The space where you had been
Each day a new blankness
Each meal a mountain
Each night an impossible length
of time to hold my breath
Ice on a river
Floes that seemed
ice bergs here forever
all became water in spring
when I looked next
When I alone looked next
Each day a new prospect
Each meal a landing
Each night an impossible length
of time to hold my breath
Without you
Without you
You
Without you
You
Without you
Where you were always there
Sky went dark
All the trees
shook off all their leaves
Crows careened
and their echoes scraped
the space where the light had been
The space where you had been
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8. |
Once
03:32
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I tell myself that once would be enough
To touch your lips with mine
just one time
To hear you say you thought of me
even once (like I was thinking of you)
I tell myself that once would be enough
Not that you would leave your love or I would ever leave mine
but that you saw me as a flame
You drank me like an ocean
You fell into my eyes like they could be a home
Can I help it if my heart leaps every time I see your name?
You knew how deep my body’s magic would be (you knew, you imagined)
You knew you wouldn’t be the same
and you wanted it that way
Just once
Isn’t this heat, this golden light,
isn't this what we live for?
And shouldn’t we all get an occasional sabbatical
from our beautiful fucking lives?
I could never be the most for you
but I could be almost
Just once
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9. |
I Won't Ask for That
05:10
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I sang a song today
I didn’t know what it was called
It was about you
even though your back was turned
A bird flew by the window
as I opened up my mouth
I thought it looked right at me
I thought I’d fall right out
Out of that window and into that song
where I could place my hand
on the back of your head where you sometimes
run your own hand through your hair
If I was in that song
I’d make it sound so nice
You’d have to turn around
You’d have to look right at me
And when you turned like that
and met me with your heart
your face would look
just like mine
We would wear the very same skin
Same expression
Same teeth, same eyes
though they’d sparkle like yours
in that way that cracks my heart
So you would be me
and I would be me
but seen through love’s eyes
Seen just the way I want to be
There’s a place in the sky where we can go
I just know there is
I know you might not be able to join me there
I know you probably can’t come
but I’ll go there on Saturday
in case you find the time
In case you think it’s safe enough
behind the clouds and the sun and the stars we can’t see
until the night comes sliding in
We can’t stay the night
We both know that’s too long
Too far to go, who knows how hard
it would be to return
But I’ll be there on Saturday
with my favorite shirt on
With the bracelet that makes the sun look shy
in case you make the trip
We could just sit beside each other
it could be that small
It could also be otherwise, but I won’t ask for that
at all
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10. |
Once II
01:18
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11. |
All Kinds of Fields
05:07
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There was ice under my bare feet
I could see you without seeing you
Adrenaline like a lizard creeping through my body
You laughed and golden circles opened all through my blood
There are all kinds of fields to lie down in
Deer hid among the dark trees
I could feel you seeing me
There were more stars than ever before
I held my breath
There are all kinds of fields to lie down in
Lie down with me
Time stretched like a spider web,
strong and fine
Eternity might be within reach
You said it’s blurry and messy
She said it could be dangerous
I reached through the water to touch you
One star fell and stayed whole until it disappeared
There are all kinds of fields to lie down in
Lie down with me
Time stretched like a spider web,
strong and fine
Eternity might be within reach
What am I supposed to do with the fountain of joy
that you put in my heart?
It’s too big to fit there, it keeps spilling out
But I can’t stop it
I’m not sure I can hold it
Can’t I give it to you?
There are all kinds of fields to lie down in
Lie down with me
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12. |
Empress
04:24
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Go outside and find the moon tonight
You might see me
You want my gentle, gracious magic
My warm, soft grace
But honey, that honey is for my own bees
The combs in my heart
are heavy with sweetness
for my own golden becoming
What if I held that brightness right here?
What if I stood right at its center?
Made friends with myself
even the part that always wants more
We can always love more
And honey, my honey is for my own bees
The combs in my heart
are heavy with sweetness
for my own golden becoming
My desires are sacred seeds
planted deep within me
It’s my job to realize them
It’s my work to receive them
I am not the problem
The combs in my heart
are heavy with sweetness
for my own golden becoming
Go outside and find the moon tonight
You might see me
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13. |
Trying and Working
06:37
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Red seat sticks to my legs in June
The sun blisters through the window of the bus like a gasp
I should cover the new plants or they won’t make it
and it’ll be another wasted day gone the way of childhood aspirations
There will always be another list
There will always be things that you already completed
to add to that list just to get
gratification of a fat black line
There’s joy in sweat, in trying and working
There’s satisfaction in a tired body
And could you let that trying and working
be seeds you planted in the ground?
I could make a list of all my lists
A list of all the lists I want to write
Especially the list of all the things I think I’ll never cross off
though I so desperately want to
Know how to be gentle with yourself
Teach your child to know better than you do
There’s joy in sweat, in trying and working
There’s satisfaction in a tired body
And could I let that trying and working
be seeds I planted in the ground?
I can hear my heart is beating
I’m aware my blood is moving
I’m aware that I’m alive
What if I am not special?
Ah
Peel my legs off my seat, it’s my stop
Then walk 10 long blocks as if pressed against the sun’s own face
There’s work to do when I get home
things to heal, things to fix, things to reveal in the trying
We hope
We hate
We hurt
We hold
We stretch
We stare
We strive
We storm
We fade
We fail
We fake
We find
We chase
We cheat
We charm
We choose
There’s joy in sweat, in trying and working
There’s satisfaction in a tired body
And could we let that trying and working
be seeds we planted in the ground?
Be seeds we planted all around
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Silversmith Minneapolis, Minnesota
Silversmith is a vocalist, songwriter, and performance-maker based in Minneapolis. She has performed &/or collaborated with various luminaries in Minneapolis and New York City, her previous home, in addition to performing Off-Broadway & in Meredith Monk’s Songs of Ascension @ BAM. Her voice can also be heard on the theme song of the new podcast, Feminist Files, which traces the origins of Title IX ... more
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